REvision REsponse & PLan
Summative Comment:
COMMENT: “I love the ideas here, and your ability to engage productively with complicated ideas (rather than interacting with one scholar at a time, you engaged with IDEAS).”
RESPONSE: I did a lot of research online when I was writing the proposal for my essay. In addition, I went over the assigned readings for several times, picked up the ideas that I found connected to my topic-homeland and collected them in a document file called “resources”. When I was writing the proposal, I had somehow decided the structure of my paper. After my meeting with Dr.Lauren, I reorganized my essay and attempted to keep focus on my central idea when I was actually writing the essay.
High Order Concern:
No.1 HOC: Being sure that you're explaining important concepts as fully as you need to
How: There were some concepts and ideas that I did not explain too much into details. For some important arguments, I only wrote one or two sentences but I did not elaborate the arguments, which made the essay less convincing.
Solution: I should put more details and explanations of the ideas, especially for those that are connected to the main argument.
In The Future: I need to find out which thesis and arguments are important, elaborate on them with more explanations and details.
No.2 HOC: Development of all ideas fully
How: I think this concern is very similar to the concern just above. These two concerns reveal my problem of not providing enough explanations for certain ideas. Most of time, I had a lot of things that I wanted to mention in my paper. However, for each idea, I did not fully develop it and wrote only one or two sentences.
Solution: I should pick up the most important arguments that I would like to elaborate in my paper from my proposal. After that, I should focus on those ideas, use convincing examples and detailed explanations to make them clearer.
In The Future: When I finished drafting, I should read my paper for several times or ask my writing partner for advices. I need to examine that whether I have made those ideas fully developed so that my readers are able to understand the assumptions I make.
No.3 HOC: Transitions into new Paragraph
How: I didn't think more about the transition templates when I was writing the essay. I rushed through the ideas and focused on expressing in a logical way. However, I didn't connect those ideas fluently by using proper transitions. Thus, there are some parts in my essay are not well-organized so that my essay becomes less expressive.
Solution: I looked through the templates on They Say I Say and Being A Writer, and tried to use them in the version two of my essay. In addition, I read my version one essay for several times, thought carefully about the logic between two paragraphs, or two ideas, and put proper transition phrases between them.
In The Future: I will think earlier about the organization and logic for my essay. Specifically, I will organize the ideas logically when I write the proposal and think for right transition templates before I start the actual writing process. I realize that thinking carefully about how to connect two ideas fluently will make me feel easier to form an essay.
Lower Order Problems
Verb Forms
EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: However, when I firstly come to the United States, I can barely communicate with my American classmates and most of them just ignored me during group discussion.
EXAMPLE 1 REVISION: However, when I came to the United States at first, I could barely communicate with my American classmates and most of them just ignored me during group discussion.
HOW: There are two verb form mistakes in this sentence. This sentence describes my previous experience so that I should use the past tense form for verbs
SOLUTION: If I need to explain something happened before, I should use past tense or past participle tense.
IN THE FUTURE: I should be careful of those verb forms. This kind of mistake in fact can be avoided as long as I check carefully after I finish drafting.
EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL: Not only does the definition of homeland can have multiple explanations according to different people, but also does it change over time for one person
EXAMPLE 2 REVISION: Not only does the definition of homeland have multiple explanations according to different people, but also does it change over time for one person.
How: This sentence is an inverted sentence. I used “does” and “can” at the same time in this sentence.
SOLUTION: I can not use “does” and “can” at the same time. In the situation of this sentence, I am making an argument that is a common assumption. Thus, I should use “does” at this time and delete the “can”
IN THE FUTURE: I should only use “can” or “do” verbs in one sentence.
EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: Human beings have strong bonding to their homelands in general and should have experienced similar feeling of nostalgia just like me.
EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: Human beings are strongly bonded to homelands in general and should have experienced similar feeling of nostalgia just like me.
HOW: This sentence in fact does not have problem of verb form. The reason I put it here is that I can not find one more sentence that has verb form problem in my V1 Persuasive Essay. This sentence is more an awkward expression problem.
SOLUTION: I changed “have strong bonding” to “are strongly bonded” so that it sounds more idiomatic.
IN THE FUTURE: I should accumulate more idiomatic phrases when I read articles in daily life so that I can express my ideas clearer.
Sentence Structure:
EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: During the process of a place’s identity shaping, culture stands in a very influential position since it permeates into human’s life and has the ability of shaping human dispositions, capacities and needs.
EXAMPLE 1 REVISION:Culture promotes the process of a place’s identity shaping. It permeates into human’s life and has the ability of shaping human dispositions, capacities and needs.
HOW: This sentence is the beginning sentence of a paragraph.The original sentence has an organizational problem, which makes the sentence sound awkward.
SOLUTION:I break this long sentence into two short sentences and adjust the sentence structure.
IN THE FUTURE:I should write relatively short sentence. I need to avoid long sentences with multiple clauses and herds of commas.
EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL:As Tuan’s saying goes, “With the destruction of one ‘center’ of the world, another can be built next to it, or in another location altogether, and it in turn becomes ‘the center of the world.’”
EXAMPLE 2 REVISION:As Tuan says, “With the destruction of one ‘center’ of the world, another can be built next to it, or in another location altogether, and it in turn becomes ‘the center of the world.’”
How:I attempted to make a smooth transition between my ideas and Tuan’s idea, but I used wrong template.
SOLUTION: I changed the template from “As Tuan’s saying goes” to “As Tuan says”
IN THE FUTURE: I will keep study They say I say and study more transition templates.
EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: Moreover, the significant difference among different places has led to very distinct life styles. This to some extant explains the reason why people who leave their hometown always feel uncomfortable and have a sense of nostalgia.
EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: Moreover, people from different places have their distinctive life styles. People usually feel uncomfortable when they leave their hometown because it is hard for them to adapt to new environment.
HOW: The original sentence provided a vague because I did not use the right subjects and verbs in my writing.
SOLUTION: I thought carefully about what was the idea that I wanted to discuss in this sentence. I restructure the sentence and aimed to say that people from different places have different life style. It is the difference of life style that makes people feel unconnected and unfamiliar when they come to a new place.
IN THE FUTURE: Although complicate sentences are great, sometimes I do need to cut the long sentences into short ones, which can express ideas more straight forward.
COMMENT: “I love the ideas here, and your ability to engage productively with complicated ideas (rather than interacting with one scholar at a time, you engaged with IDEAS).”
RESPONSE: I did a lot of research online when I was writing the proposal for my essay. In addition, I went over the assigned readings for several times, picked up the ideas that I found connected to my topic-homeland and collected them in a document file called “resources”. When I was writing the proposal, I had somehow decided the structure of my paper. After my meeting with Dr.Lauren, I reorganized my essay and attempted to keep focus on my central idea when I was actually writing the essay.
High Order Concern:
No.1 HOC: Being sure that you're explaining important concepts as fully as you need to
How: There were some concepts and ideas that I did not explain too much into details. For some important arguments, I only wrote one or two sentences but I did not elaborate the arguments, which made the essay less convincing.
Solution: I should put more details and explanations of the ideas, especially for those that are connected to the main argument.
In The Future: I need to find out which thesis and arguments are important, elaborate on them with more explanations and details.
No.2 HOC: Development of all ideas fully
How: I think this concern is very similar to the concern just above. These two concerns reveal my problem of not providing enough explanations for certain ideas. Most of time, I had a lot of things that I wanted to mention in my paper. However, for each idea, I did not fully develop it and wrote only one or two sentences.
Solution: I should pick up the most important arguments that I would like to elaborate in my paper from my proposal. After that, I should focus on those ideas, use convincing examples and detailed explanations to make them clearer.
In The Future: When I finished drafting, I should read my paper for several times or ask my writing partner for advices. I need to examine that whether I have made those ideas fully developed so that my readers are able to understand the assumptions I make.
No.3 HOC: Transitions into new Paragraph
How: I didn't think more about the transition templates when I was writing the essay. I rushed through the ideas and focused on expressing in a logical way. However, I didn't connect those ideas fluently by using proper transitions. Thus, there are some parts in my essay are not well-organized so that my essay becomes less expressive.
Solution: I looked through the templates on They Say I Say and Being A Writer, and tried to use them in the version two of my essay. In addition, I read my version one essay for several times, thought carefully about the logic between two paragraphs, or two ideas, and put proper transition phrases between them.
In The Future: I will think earlier about the organization and logic for my essay. Specifically, I will organize the ideas logically when I write the proposal and think for right transition templates before I start the actual writing process. I realize that thinking carefully about how to connect two ideas fluently will make me feel easier to form an essay.
Lower Order Problems
Verb Forms
EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: However, when I firstly come to the United States, I can barely communicate with my American classmates and most of them just ignored me during group discussion.
EXAMPLE 1 REVISION: However, when I came to the United States at first, I could barely communicate with my American classmates and most of them just ignored me during group discussion.
HOW: There are two verb form mistakes in this sentence. This sentence describes my previous experience so that I should use the past tense form for verbs
SOLUTION: If I need to explain something happened before, I should use past tense or past participle tense.
IN THE FUTURE: I should be careful of those verb forms. This kind of mistake in fact can be avoided as long as I check carefully after I finish drafting.
EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL: Not only does the definition of homeland can have multiple explanations according to different people, but also does it change over time for one person
EXAMPLE 2 REVISION: Not only does the definition of homeland have multiple explanations according to different people, but also does it change over time for one person.
How: This sentence is an inverted sentence. I used “does” and “can” at the same time in this sentence.
SOLUTION: I can not use “does” and “can” at the same time. In the situation of this sentence, I am making an argument that is a common assumption. Thus, I should use “does” at this time and delete the “can”
IN THE FUTURE: I should only use “can” or “do” verbs in one sentence.
EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: Human beings have strong bonding to their homelands in general and should have experienced similar feeling of nostalgia just like me.
EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: Human beings are strongly bonded to homelands in general and should have experienced similar feeling of nostalgia just like me.
HOW: This sentence in fact does not have problem of verb form. The reason I put it here is that I can not find one more sentence that has verb form problem in my V1 Persuasive Essay. This sentence is more an awkward expression problem.
SOLUTION: I changed “have strong bonding” to “are strongly bonded” so that it sounds more idiomatic.
IN THE FUTURE: I should accumulate more idiomatic phrases when I read articles in daily life so that I can express my ideas clearer.
Sentence Structure:
EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: During the process of a place’s identity shaping, culture stands in a very influential position since it permeates into human’s life and has the ability of shaping human dispositions, capacities and needs.
EXAMPLE 1 REVISION:Culture promotes the process of a place’s identity shaping. It permeates into human’s life and has the ability of shaping human dispositions, capacities and needs.
HOW: This sentence is the beginning sentence of a paragraph.The original sentence has an organizational problem, which makes the sentence sound awkward.
SOLUTION:I break this long sentence into two short sentences and adjust the sentence structure.
IN THE FUTURE:I should write relatively short sentence. I need to avoid long sentences with multiple clauses and herds of commas.
EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL:As Tuan’s saying goes, “With the destruction of one ‘center’ of the world, another can be built next to it, or in another location altogether, and it in turn becomes ‘the center of the world.’”
EXAMPLE 2 REVISION:As Tuan says, “With the destruction of one ‘center’ of the world, another can be built next to it, or in another location altogether, and it in turn becomes ‘the center of the world.’”
How:I attempted to make a smooth transition between my ideas and Tuan’s idea, but I used wrong template.
SOLUTION: I changed the template from “As Tuan’s saying goes” to “As Tuan says”
IN THE FUTURE: I will keep study They say I say and study more transition templates.
EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: Moreover, the significant difference among different places has led to very distinct life styles. This to some extant explains the reason why people who leave their hometown always feel uncomfortable and have a sense of nostalgia.
EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: Moreover, people from different places have their distinctive life styles. People usually feel uncomfortable when they leave their hometown because it is hard for them to adapt to new environment.
HOW: The original sentence provided a vague because I did not use the right subjects and verbs in my writing.
SOLUTION: I thought carefully about what was the idea that I wanted to discuss in this sentence. I restructure the sentence and aimed to say that people from different places have different life style. It is the difference of life style that makes people feel unconnected and unfamiliar when they come to a new place.
IN THE FUTURE: Although complicate sentences are great, sometimes I do need to cut the long sentences into short ones, which can express ideas more straight forward.